Runyon Canyon – The Main Trail (AKA: Silicone Valley)

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Trail Description
DISTANCE 3 miles out and back
ELEVATION GAIN 500 feet(ish)
PARKING Plenty of it, but still not enough.
SPF Don't worry about the sun, do you know how may shining stars are on this trail?
CHANCE OF INJURY Erections could last longer than 4 hours.
WEIRD SMELLS Hope, desperation, and broken dreams.
TIME 1 hour (5 hours if you're here to network)
FEATURES Botox, rhinoplasty, collagen injections, ass lifts, eye lifts, brow lifts, neck lifts, liposuction, micro-dermabrasion, and breast augmentation.
ANIMALS Dogs, hunting dogs, bird dogs, monkey dogs, reservoir dogs, actress dogs, bullshit dogs, cat dogs, mouse dogs, butt dogs, human/dog hybrids...and hummingbirds.
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS All of the suitcase models from Deal or No Deal.
DOG SHIT Entire hillside made of dog shit.
ANYTHING ELSE? Leave your resume and headshot in the car - but, have your resume and headshot in the car.
Until you're on the 101 this is going to be difficult so I'll wait... okay? You're there? Great. If you're coming south you pass Universal Studios and you get off the Barham Blvd. exit.  That puts you on Cahuenga Blvd - Don't get on Barham. That street is for losers. Take Cahuenga south (that's a left turn, genius.) If you're driving north on the 101 you get off on Universal Studios Drive. That is one long-ass off-ramp. Turn left on Universal Studios Drive, that hits Cahuenga, take that south (left again, Einstein.)
Now that we're all on the same street, look for a stoplight at Mulholland / Woodrow Wilson Drive. Turn right, and immediately left before you crash into the mountainside.  You'll wind along for a couple miles until you each The Runyon Canyon Parking Experience.
There are a number of trails at Runyon, but if you're going to be distracted by every dirt path and jogging bra, we are never going to get throughout this.  You see the big main gate across the asphalt road?  Take that road downhill. Now stay on the pavement.  That's right, all the way to the bottom.  We can take the other trails next time.  Maybe they do look more fun, but next time.  Quit arguing with me and just do as I say.  Now at the bottom lets turn around and go back up.  You want to try the other trails going up?  Fine! Do what you want.  I'll meet you at the car... ingrate...
Legend tells us that Gabrielino Indians would gather at the top of Runyon Canyon and conduct farting competitions. Farting has been funny across all cultures and centuries. The perennial winner was Brave-Whos-Butt-Runs-On-Out-His-Can. Or, Brave Runny Canyon. But lets face it, white people have trouble with pronouncing things so it was mistranslated to Runyon Canyon. Bam! History lesson completed.