Paradise Falls Trail

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Trail Description
DISTANCE 2-5 miles
ELEVATION GAIN negative 100 ' (cause you go down, get it?)
PARKING Free and Suburban
SPF 1 billion.
CHANCE OF INJURY 50% Heatstroke 50% Dysentery
WEIRD SMELLS Sulfur mixed with armpit.
TIME 1 - 3hours.
FEATURES Picnic areas, waterfalls, indian caves, german bunkers, swords, teepee, water fountains, bridges… but no bathrooms.
ANIMALS Hawks, wet snakes, dry snakes, dead snakes, turtle on rock, ducks, geese, joggers
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS Bruce Jenner's old face.
DOG SHIT Low-ish to very low-ish.
ANYTHING ELSE? Bored housewives, and therefore… opportunity!
Driving Directions
Are you tired of living in Los Angeles with all of it's stupid "diversity"? Then go west young man. Take the 101 towards Ventura, but when you start to smell mayonnaise, you are in Thousand Oaks so look for the Lynn Road off ramp. Take that north. You'll know you're in a large caucasian community by the hispanic street names. Camino this and Avenida that. A couple miles and you turn left on Avenida De Los Arboles. You are now near schools and churches and Home Owners Associations but don't freak out. Barely a mile along and there's a dirty dirt parking lot to your left. Park there and pretend you are about to walk your small dog like everybody else.
Hiking Directions
It looks like you should take that main trail from the sign up the hill from the parking lot, but that's only if you hate yourself. Take that little opening to the left of that, or, even better, go to the other side of the parking lot and you'll find a trail that runs along the creek. Not all along the creek, but way better than the many dusty cactus trails. The dusty trails do get you to the falls faster, and take you past a teepee that (spoiler alert!) may not be authentic, but you do want to get to the river as fast as you can. There are so many trails so pop up above the creek occasionally, but then get the hell back to the creek. Have some lunch and then go home.
The Story
Before drones, the military strapped video cameras to the backs of ducks to surveil the enemy. Paradise Falls is where the elite Duck Corps trained for decades. A combination of stinky creek water and mostly horrific, stifling heat and misery, made Thousand Oaks a perfect testing ground for Duck Drones and our inevitable confrontation in the Middle East. Sadly, after President Carter's failed Iranian hostage rescue attempt, the program was scuttled - history was rewritten - and high school students were severely punished if they ever brought it up in class.