Hummingbird Trail

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Trail Description
DISTANCETrail: 2-4 miles long. Caves: 2-4 feet deep.
ELEVATION GAIN 1,000 feet.
PARKING Long and dusty and free.
SPF Plenty.
CHANCE OF INJURY Mountain bike to the face odds - 12%.
WEIRD SMELLS Drying turds and Satan.
TIME 1 - 2 hours.
FEATURESAll sizes of caves, from small all the way up to medium small.
ANIMALS Barren - Even the ants have been sacrificed to Satan.
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS Dave Franco catching his arm in rocks to prepare for 127 Hours 2.
DOG SHIT Piled upon itself like gold in Scrooge McDucks vault.
ANYTHING ELSE? Imagine Simi Valley without houses... yeah, it's that.
Driving Directions
Pretend that you are sick of all these Los Angeles people and you are getting the hell out of town. Doesn't take much pretending, does it? Chances are, in your pretend mind right now, you are on the 5 or the 405 North. Both of those hit the 118 and you will head west - This part is real, no more pretending. You will pass Topanga Canyon Blvd which is the official border between civilization and "The Hill People." Look for the Kuehner Drive off-ramp and turn right. Park right there at the chain link fence, broken asphalt, and field strewn with nothing but sadness.
Hiking Directions
If you don't listen to me and drive up Kuehner Drive you'll see Hummingbird Trail signs pointing all the way up to the official trail head. But you can't park there, and there's nothing really extra to see so don't bother. Seriously.
If you did listen to me, walk through the metal gate and across the dirt field. Once you survive that you can open your eyes and look around. There's some graffiti on the tunnel under the freeway, a trail up a crevasse that is weird and Satanic, and the main trail up hill. Remember, as long as you can hear the 118 freeway, you are on the right path - Isn't that fantastic!? So on the way uphill look for some small caves here and there and then get to the top and then come back down... If you have low self-esteem you will love this trail. Otherwise - you can do better.
The Story
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade used to run from New York to LA until The Witches ambushed The Shriners right here at Hummingbird Trail. The speed of The Shriners tiny cars quickly outflanked The Witches slow and bulky broomsticks. The Witches escaped into the caves but not until The Shriners burned the previously forested hills southern California into the scorched brown earth that it is today. And that... is why you don't mess with Shriners.