Hastain Trail

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Trail Description
DISTANCE 2.3 Miles
ELEVATION GAIN 500 feet(ish)
PARKING Plenty and Varied
SPF 100. 90% sun
CHANCE OF INJURY Possible head injury from rocks thrown by dipshits hiking above you.
WEIRD SMELLS Outdoors. Pine and Cedar.  Unusual for LA.
TIME 45 – 90 Minutes
FEATURES Empty Reservoir, Bathrooms, Views of air pollution
ANIMALS Snake heads and crows
CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS An older Selena Gomez type.
DOG SHIT Light. Especially considering the amount of dog traffic.
ANYTHING ELSE? Classic dusty, bland, LA trail.
If you are near the 101:
take that to Coldwater Canyon. Take the Coldwater Canyon exit south until you reach Mulholland Drive at the top of the hill.  There, you’ll find a 5 way stop. It’s designed to keep you from finding your trail.  Like any good trail area, the entrance is camouflaged to look like just another private road.
So take that soft right at Mulholland.  You’ll pass a dozen homes and VOILA – Franklin Canyon. Check the speed limit and stop signs. Those lousy Ranger tickets aren’t fake, you actually have to pay them. When you get to the Nature Center, don’t stop.  That place is for school field trips and losers. Continue down the one way road as it circles the mini lake/reservoir/ movie set until you cross the earthen dam and hit a stop sign. Roll up your windows!!!! I believe that nearby a hundred people were killed by a thousand rotten eggs, and the corpses were left unburied.
Turn right at the stop sign and drive along the little creek for a half mile.  The trail is on your left.  You can’t miss it. I know, people always say “You can’t miss it,” but… you can’t miss it.
If you’re coming from Beverly Hills:
Tell your driver to go up N. Beverly Drive. When  it gets to Coldwater Canyon, tell the driver to stay left on N. Beverly Drive at the kiddie park. Then tell him to go down Lake Drive which is disguised as a dead-end private road and… VOILA – Franklin Canyon.  When you’re at the bottom of the park, turn right at the witches house (she doesn’t answer, but she’s there) and the trailhead will be on your left.  Have Jeeves wake you when you arrive.

You start at one of those sheds that are really just signs.  You see a map, a say-no-to-fire campaign, and photos of everything that could kill you… except for the other crack-head hikers.
Up you go on a classic LA fire trail.  Dusty and dry with a decent view of the dusty and dry other side of the valley. There are 2 or 3 animal trails that split off to the left.  And by animals, I mean weird teenagers who run off to impregnate their girlfriends in the dirt. These side trails all peter out quickly – just like weird teenagers do.
But keep hiking for about 1 mile and you’ll crest with fantastic views of the blacktop covered Lower Franklin Reservoir. And, if the smog is just right, Century City looks like broken teeth sticking out of brown cotton candy. It’s quite a site.
But from here, get the hell off the fire road. It might go back to the nature center, or it might dead end into Kevin Federline’s house. Don’t risk it. Go down the smaller trail back into the park.
It actually doesn’t suck.  It’s downhill, skinnier, and more breezy.  It lets you out into a poorly grassed/ poorly planned/ poorly maintained … park?  It might only be good for the newly divorced to eat a sad picnic lunch by themselves.
So go across the road and take the little side trails.  They’re flat and surprisingly interesting considering they are 20 feet from the paved road.  There are and inordinate amount of dead animals on the trail.  Some obviously killed by coyotes, other probably shat out by coyotes.  You ultimately pop out on the pavement, and then there’s your car, and then, you go home.

Voted Best Place to Perform a Sick and Disgusting Sacrificial Ritual 4 years in a row in LA Satanists Monthly.